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Only in America and probably only then from the greater Philadelphia area. It’s nice to see New Jersey in the news for something other than a political corruption scandal.

Car Wreck Saves Choking Driver’s Life

It even made the local broadcast news…

Car crash Saves Man from Choking on Onion Ring

Gotta love it.

Moses, Jesus and a little, old man are playing golf.

Moses tees off and his ball heads straight into a water hazard.  No problem.  Moses simply parts the water, walks onto the pond basin and taps onto the green.

Jesus is up next.  He gives His ball a whack and sends it careening into the same pond.  Jesus saunters out onto the water and, with a mighty swoosh, sends His ball onto the green a little ahead of Moses’.

The little, old man toddles up to the tee and drives his ball completely off the course.  It bounces onto the windshield of a passing truck and caroms to the water hazard where it bounces off a lily pad.  The ball is then flicked into the mouth of a bullfrog.  Just when all seems lost, an eagle swoops down from above, clutches the frog in his talons and flies away over the course.  As they pass over the green, the frog spits out the ball which promptly drops right into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Father.”

Ba-dum-bump.

So, I’m doing this quiz on LiveScience. I know it’s lightweight but I just worked the last two days and lightweight is all I can deal with right now, what with a glass o’ wine in me and all. (Yes. I am a cheap date.)

Anyway, I’m taking the sex quiz…myths, taboos and such (Science Lite and sex…such a lovely combination) …and the question is:

Proportionally and compared to other primates, human males have…

And the choices are:

  • Tiny genitalia
  • Massive genitalia
  • About average

Being the kind soul I am and the mother and grandmother of males, I don’t want to suggest the males of my species are deficient in that manner. However, the feminist in me simply cannot grant my male genetic counterparts the superiority of “massive,” now can I? So I naturally click on “about average.”

Guess what? The male of this species has, compared to other primate males, “massive genitalia.”

Whodathunkit?

Maybe there is something to that “superiority of the male of the species” and “Power of the Penis” stuff after all?

So, who’s conducting the research into the relative size of the female genitalia?

Do you think it will feel like the killer orgasm of all time?

I sure hope so!

If so, I’m wearing these.

Here’s where you can meet the woman who designed them.

Finally, here is where you can click up a pair for yourself.

Cheers!

From the AP, via AOL news:

Green Apple Scented Condoms

Grandma Finds Condom in Kid’s Happy Meal

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) — A grandmother was alarmed to find a condom in a happy meal gift pack bought for her 7-year-old granddaughter at a McDonald’s restaurant in New Zealand, local media reported Thursday.

The condom was discovered Tuesday night in a bag that came with Maia Whitaker’s meal, which her grandparents bought at a McDonald’s outlet in the city of Wellington.

Grandpa Rowan Hutch told The Dominion Post newspaper it was lucky his wife was first to look inside the small sports bag that came with the meal.

She was aghast when she found the green condom and its packet inside the bag, he said.

“I was pretty horrified really. The fact my granddaughter was going to look in the bag and find this thing. It would be difficult to explain, she’s only seven,” said Hutch.

The outlet quickly swapped the happy meal for a hamburger and pencil case. McDonald’s is investigating the find.

Spokeswoman Joanna Redfern-Hardisty said because of its popularity, the previous happy meal gift had sold out at the outlet and prepackaged sports bags were substituted as children’s gifts.

One was left unsealed for display purposes and “somehow” had ended up with the customer, she said, without explaining why the condom was present.

Hell, I started talking to my son about sex, condoms and personal responsibility at the tender age of 6. I’ve always figured a class about the mechanics (and sanctity/responsibility/ownership) of sex and our bodies would be much more helpful than that stupid menstruation cartoon we were made to watch in fourth grade. Dancing ovaries? I’ve never known mine to even do a jig, though I swear my uterus is in there kickboxing some months!

Here’s hoping the AP doesn’t track me down for my flagrant violation of their copyrights.

Toodles…

I’m an amateur US Constitution and Supreme Court buff. I was quite happy, therefore, to find a couple of great feeds for news on the court.

Okay, okay, I’ll share.

Here’s the other.

While I was on Medill’s On the Docket site, I happened upon a decision from Monday, April 2. It is fitting that on Earth Day I should find “Court sides with environmental interests in landmark car emissions case.” Of course, environmental non-activist that I am, I found it necessary to go read the original case, Massachusetts v. EPA, which dates to 1999.

Our wonderful Environmental Protection Agency declared in 2003 that it did not have jurisdiction over the regulation of greenhouse gases and that, even if it were within its power, it would opt not to regulate them.

Here’s an excerpt of the article on On the Docket that I found particularly compelling:

…in 1999, environmental groups unsatisfied with the federal government’s response to global warming filed a petition with the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to regulate carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases from new motor vehicles. They said greenhouse gases should be considered air pollutants and thus, regulated under the federal Clean Air Act.

The petitioners cited Section 202 of the act, which states that the federal government is to regulate “any air pollutant” that can “reasonably be anticipated to endanger public health or welfare.”

The EPA denied the petition in August 2003, saying that the act does not authorize the agency to regulate greenhouse gas emissions and, even if it did, the EPA would not exercise such authority.

The agency cited a study by the National Research Council that concluded that “a causal linkage” between greenhouse gases emissions and global warming “cannot be unequivocally established.” EPA said it was inappropriate for the agency to regulate greenhouse gas emissions without more understanding about the causes of global warming.

Again, Section 202 of the act “states that the federal government is to regulate “any air pollutant” that can “reasonably be anticipated to endanger public health or welfare.” Can we not make a fair assumption that greenhouse gases contribute to global warming which is likely to have devastating effects on American citizens in the nearer rather than distant future. I fully expect to see horrible global consequences within my lifetime, don’t you?

What better US agency, you may ask, to regulate an air pollutant which can “reasonably be anticipated to endanger public health or welfare” than the Environmental Protection Agency?

Oh, I guess I’m just one of those ill-informed, bleeding-heart liberals who’s screaming that the sky is falling for no good reason!

I smile sardonically at the irony of all this. The things today’s “noted scientists” are now proclaiming as truths are all the things the rowdy, smelly environmentalists were ranting about back in 1970, on the first Earth Day. Now the whole world is up in arms over something the tree-huggers were being irrational and extremist over way back when and still the money grubbers don’t want to give an inch.

Record profits for any US company…ever.

Redux.

Happy Earth Day, all!

Did I happen to mention that I turned fifty last month?

Please help me celebrate, at its advent, my mid-life crisis? In honor of the occasion I present Bill Morrissey’s Fifty: (These frigging lyrics are hand-typed, too, so appreciate the fuckers!…I couldn’t find them on a Google search. Will somebody get busy on that out there?)

Fifty

I turned fifty on an autumn (winter) day
The grass was brown and the sky was gray
But I never felt so strong
I turned fifty
So, come on, world, bring it on.

I can’t round the bases like I could
But I’m still in the game, so knock on wood
I get the jump on the pitch and I catch one more
I turned fifty
I quit keeping score

Hey you kids, this ain’t no jive
But I’ve seen the Beatles [Pink Floyd /David Bowie /Chick Corea (Why Scientology, Chick???) ] perform live
My new guitar (garden) is all hand-crafted
I turned fifty
Best of all, I can’t get drafted (I never could get drafted but that a whole ‘nother, long post!)

I don’t get carded in a bar
I (could) own my house and I (do) own my car
I can’t believe I made it this far
I turned fifty
And I still wish upon a star

Once life was a race and I had to run it
Now I know what not to do because I’ve done it
Well, there’s too much anger and too much crap
I turned fifty
I think I’ll take a nap

Sometimes I think about the days back then
But there’s no return in the way-back-when
I loved them all but those days are gone
I turned fifty
So, come on, world, bring it on!

Well, the days are gone, for me, of lovin’ them all back then but I’m still bankin’ on the loving of them in the future. Thanks, Bill.

Come on, world. Bring it on…

P. S. For those of you looking for that perfect gift(yellow, please?…)

I threw your keys in the water, I looked back
They’d frozen halfway down in the ice
They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owners,
Even after the anger, it all turned silent, and
The everyday turned solitary,
So we came to February.

First we forgot where we’d planted those bulbs last year,
Then we forgot we’d planted at all
Then we forgot what plants are altogether
And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and
The nights were long and cold and scary
Can we live through February?

You know I think Christmas was a long red glare,
Shot up like a warning, we gave presents without cards,
And then the snow,
And then the snow came, we were always out shoveling,
And we’d drop to sleep exhausted,
And we’d wake up, and it’s snowing.

And February was so long that it lasted into March
And found us walking a path alone together.
You stopped and pointed and you said, “That’s a crocus,”
And I said, “What’s a crocus?” and you said, “It’s a flower,”
I tried to remember, but I said, “What’s a flower?”
You said, “I still love you.”

The leaves were turning as we drove to the hardware store,
My new lover made me keys to the house.
And when we got home, well we just started chopping wood,
Because you never know how next year will be,
And we’ll gather all our arms can carry,
I have lost to February.

 

Dar Williams, from Mortal City, Razor & Tie 1996

I live on the bank of a creek.

During the month of February, the northeast of the United States was hit with a period of particularly frigid weather. As I walked outside at night, especially in the cold, wee hours, I bore witness to a strange phenomenon, one I’d never encountered in a lifetime growing up and living in the woods. I heard cracks and pops in the treetops, sometimes followed by the unmistakable sound of a twig or small branch falling to the ground.

On the coldest nights, the sound was almost like corn popping.

The most sound explanation I can come up with is living on the creek, something I’d never done before.

The far bank is much more shallow and sloping than mine. During heavy rains, I’ve seen the water rise as far as 25 or 30 yards onto that bank. (Thank God my bank is so much higher!)

My guess is that these are trees accustomed to having very “wet feet.” As a consequence of having their feet close to or below the water level, they tend to store a lot of water.

When the temperature drops from above freezing to 15 F in a matter of hours, the water in those smallest limbs is sure to freeze. The expansion of the liquid during freezing causes the limb or twig to burst open. Sometimes the eruption causes such damage that the twig fractures and falls noisily to earth.

Pretty cool, huh?

The temperature reached a high of 65 here in my little corner of the Philly ‘burbs today. I raked a bit, cleaned out birdhouses, relocated a few things in the garden, finally emptied my containers from last season (I know, I know…bad gardener!). I surveyed the damage done to my muscari bulbs by the January thaw. They’re up, a little ragged and brown around the edges. Hopefully, the blooms will not be negatively affected. Only time will tell.

It felt good to have my hands in the soil and to feel the sweat squeezing its way through my pores.

For some reason, I decided Sadie must be bathed. For as much as she hates to be bathed, she is the most wonderful dog to bathe I’ve ever had! She’ll get in, albeit reluctantly, without my having to lift her in. She stands stock still for the whole process and waits until I get the towel up before she shakes off when we’re done.

So, the garden shows signs of life, the dog is clean, the bathroom is clean, I found my tanzanite ring while cleaning the bathroom (the last memory I had of it was last week while packing…”My, that’s a strange place for me to have put my ring.” Followed by, “I’ll run into it again while packing.” Location, the shelf of the over-hopper cabinet, where the hand cream is.) I’ve run a bath (Avon’s Tranquil Moments bubbles) and have yummy soaps, shampoos, scrubbies and creams all waiting for me.

So what am I doing wasting time here?

Well, obviously I’ve fallen into some sort of hibernation period. Sorry about the hasty drop, folks. Neurological disorders are unpredictable.

I happened to find this gem through, believe it or not, AOL’s entertainment news. Yes, I’m a slut. Anyway, I happened to find this beauty too irresistible not to stash here for future reference.

Video: Our Swayze Reception.

Here is the YouTube video for your pleasure. By the way, if anyone can tell me how to download the actual file of this video (if that’s possible) please let me know?

(Aside: Oh! This is too good not to throw in here.)

Here are James and Julia on BBC Breakfast News following the smashing success of their YouTube memento.

And here they are on the obviously much more hip Richard and Judy. How come the guy gets top billing, anyway.

Finally, here is the website for the movie James manages to plug in both clips: AllBarLove.com.

The trailer, for your viewing pleasure:

All I have to say is I hope it makes it to the Ritz. I can only make out the damned dialogue of those Brit flicks on the big screen.

For another great Brit flick, check out Sliding Doors, with the oh-so-luscious Gwyneth Paltrow. She has the most delicious hair for half the film. Yes, despite her appalling taste in attire for award ceremonies. The icing on this cake is the always adorable John Hannah. (Yah, him I'd bed!)

But then that gets me thinking about Four Weddings and a Funeral and Possession (Aaron Eckhart, yummy! Blech! Gwyneth, most fetching!) and Sense and Sensibility. Scrumptious.

Final tidbit...here is James and Julia's "home." That video sounds like a shrewd move now, doesn't it? Who needs advertising when you can dirty dance?

Oh, pay no attention to this. I'm just setting it here so I won't forget it.

As for me, I walked Sadie, my "canine companion", in the drizzle this evening with my umbrella swinging from its leather strap by my side. The bathroom is presently warming and my pyjamas are toasting on the towel bar. I intend to get very warm and very snuggly very soon. Tonight, the wind will howl and the rain pelt and I will sleep, safe and serenely undisturbed.

I can't say when I'll be back next. Know that I'm doing alright. I'm back in therapy after a five-month break. Back on twelve-hour shifts, too, and feeling like a newborn. Sometimes I'm almost giddy on the job! In my present, semi-dormant state, I fear I may be getting a little Moley. I hope this doesn't Drag-on too long.

I turn fifty next week. Did I mention that? Feel free to send greetings. (::wonders how to get a PayPal button::) I'll be in NYC, secure in the anonymity of the eight million or so. I wouldn't be the least surprised if I happened to post some more, providing I get my laptop's wireless adapter up and running again.

Wish me luck.

Off to the showers, which sounds a little kinky...

(Really final aside: My pc used to face into the corner. After my dad died a year ago, I rearranged. Now it faces the road, the world. Just thought you might find that interesting... Mmmmm...maybe a little "treat" before that shower...)

Before that she bitched about: